I realized something yesterday: I’ve been taking God’s grace for granted. It was only his grace that allowed me to lose the weight all of those years ago. It was his mercy that allowed me to learn the incredibly difficult task of eating only for hunger, and it was only his favor that enabled me to take hold of the freedom his Son’s death enabled to be mine. How have I been taking it for granted? By almost expecting, that with little effort, I could lose weight. I used to never be under that idea. But, years of living free have caused me to be expectant, dare even say entitled, that certain behaviors (eating per hunger) will promote certain results. In my mind, I have believed that I “deserve” to lose weight. Once I realized that I could not exercise and maintain my weight just by eating, guess what I stopped doing? Yup. No exercise. Oh sure, I moved a little every now and then, but overall, nothing.

Since I have stopped exercising regularly, my back has really been hurting. When I was going to the gym regularly (about 3 years ago now!), I had no back pain. Nothing. Almost forgot my back was weak. However, I learned to deal with a weak back because the number on the scale said my weight was in a good place. Never mind I’m aching and rolling up back supports everywhere I go; as long as the scale said the right 3 numbers, nothing else mattered. Oh Rachel! You have so much to learn!!! Urgh.

What I’m realizing is that growth for me in this stage isn’t as much about the heart issues about food, but rather, the discipline of engaging in health behaviors – just for the sake of your health. Not working out because you are trying to see a number on a scale, but working out because you know it is the best thing for your body. Growth. Discipline. Sigh.

So now, when I am in the “wonderful” position of having to lose weight again, I’m being forced to acknowledge that exercise is an essential piece of the plan. However, since I learned I can maintain my weight without it, it has been so hard for me to drag myself to the gym! Historically, I have a bad habit of jumping for the low-hanging fruit and being satisfied with just that. Not too much extra effort, but enough to “get by.” Just terrible.

Dear God, please forgive me. I am going to do better. I promise.

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