Happy to be a mother, but unhappy with the weight

So, I had a baby. On August 27, 2013, I gave birth to the most joyous and wonderful child. I gained about 50 pounds with this pregnancy. As the weight was going up and up, I knew I was eating as I was supposed to, but I admit, I was nervous. However, I could handle it, because I just knew all the weight was going to come off immediately after Matthias was born. Immediately.

Ha. That’s not quite how it happened. I lost 26 pounds immediately, but since about three weeks after he was born, I have carried around 20 extra pounds. I have a lot of thoughts about the extra weight. I admit – part of me was frustrated. Breastfeeding was supposed to help me lose weight, right? Well, as I ended up learning, weight loss does not happen with all women who breast-feed. And I guess I was included in the women who retained weight, rather than lost it during breastfeeding.

Eventually, I came to accept the extra weight as par for the course during breast-feeding. However, I knew once I stopped, it would immediately come off, right? Yeah, that hasn’t happened either. I stopped nursing my son about two weeks ago, and while I know it’s only been two weeks, it feels like it’s been nine months + forever. And I fight thoughts daily of whether or not I’m ever going to lose the rest of this weight. A part of me is worried that the freedom I knew and experienced was temporary. Circumstantial. Maybe it was because I was younger. It is easier to lose weight then, right? Maybe I just need to suck it up and embrace the reality of calorie counting and mandatory gym sessions like everyone else.  This way of eating was too good to be true, right?

Every day the scale says approximately the same thing, I wonder if all that I’ve been working toward is going to be proven false. Am I going to have to take back each and every thing I have written about on this blog? In essence, I guess what I’m really wondering is if God is going to abandon me. Leave me. Forsake me. And something I knew to be true about him is going to be proven false. And I’m going to be left alone, looking up at the sky, and wondering what do I do now. Tempting, very tempting thoughts.

However, I refuse to accept that reality. I have 20 pounds to lose. And I’m going to lose this weight the same way I always lost it. Trusting and relying on God. In 2005, I experienced something to change my entire life. Learning how to eat, and walking with the Lord has transformed me. I am not the same. And while I don’t know the future, I don’t know how hard it’s going to be to lose weight this time, I still believe what he told me – eat when you’re hungry, stop when you’ve had enough, and bring to me all the reasons that make you want to pick up food. Not only do I believe what he told me, I believe in HIM. I believe God is in charge of this whole process. And I’ve come too far from where I started – "I don’t believe he’s brought me this far to leave me." I know this is going to be without its challenges, but I’m going to keep you updated. The dust has settled in motherhood, and I feel more ready to continue writing on this blog. Pray with and for me, friends.