“God’s goal isn’t for us to be skinny. God’s goal is for us to be healthy – spiritually and physically.” – Lysa Terkeurst
Well, I should have known. My goal, however, was to be skinny. Healthy would have been nice, but skinny was what I wanted. I remember when I first started losing weight. All I wanted to do was fit “a size 14.” Wear clothes in a normal size. Weigh anything under 200 lbs. Now that I reflect, I see how short-sighted my goal was. Yes, accomplishing all those things were nice, but I also had back pain, hand pain, and made some poor choices in my relationships that caused me a lot of pain. I was lazy. I also carried a lot of fear. Again, I was skinny, but was I healthy?
Fast forward about 10 years, when I was still in my goal weight, I noticed the Lord beginning to shift some things. Again, I should have known. My first warning sign should have been the challenges I had losing some of the weight I gained from my pregnancy. His first stop – dealing with my “let’s do the bare minimum spirit.” I had mastered my appetite by this time, but your girl had not stepped foot in the gym for MONTHS. Almost YEARS. Crazy, huh? Buuutt, I was skinny. My goal met. I remember when my gym called me after the birth of my son – asking me to come back. Isn’t that something?
Then, the Lord began to deal with my diet. It was so hard for me to lose even an oz. of my baby weight. That process forced me to rethink my eating, and to acknowledge that my diet needed a tune-up. Again, by that time, I had learned the master my appetite, but the wisdom in the foods I would choose was questionable. But, carrying more weight than I wanted, and having to work extra hard to lose it forced me to a place where I had to eat better. I was on my way to being healthy.
Remember that back pain? Well, because your girl was so lazy, I dealt with it for YEARS. Went to chiropractors, physical therapists –ALL because I did not have a back-exercise regimen that I would do consistently. When I started dealing with PCOS again, and started experiencing some weight gain, I then became interested in my back exercises. Shame. But finally moving.
And finally – the fear. That was probably the hardest. I knew God put the “Freedom Chasers” ministry on my heart years ago. But I was too scared to really move forward. I would take the smallest steps – only to have a setback that would undo the progress I had made. By creating turmoil and complete chaos during the last years of school, God was finally able to do the work needed to “free” me from the fear of man that held me. While I am still a work in progress, I am moving faster than I ever have been before.
So, as I reflect, and consider this journey, I can honestly say that I am HEALTHIER than I have ever been before. It took SO much to get me to this place. Right now, I weigh more than I EVER have in my entire life. But, I am also more whole, more disciplined, and sure of my work, and feeling FREE. Even while the outside reflects chains. Funny how that works.
When I was in the last phase of school, God placed this verse on my heart: “But he knows the way I should take, and when he has tested me, I shall come forth as pure gold” (Job 23:10). Looking forward to seeing what shall be revealed at the end of this journey.